LISTENING PROBLEMS

The most common listening mistakes are:

• Overinterpreting, making assumptions – we are very inclined to guess what the other person’s problem is, what they think or feel, and what their intentions are. We then approach the conversation based on assumptions that may not be true at all. Even if the person we are talking to is in a situation similar to ours, they are a completely separate individual and may experience the same situation in a very different way.
• Judging – people do not like being judged, not even by those closest to them. This causes irritation and anger. Even innocent comments that seem appropriate to us may contain judgment (examples of judgmental statements: “you brought this on yourself,” “you acted foolishly,” etc.). The other person senses this judgment very clearly, and it closes off the possibility of deepening the relationship and having a genuine dialogue.
• Ignoring emotions or failing to notice their importance – we sometimes underestimate the sadness, shame, anger, or other difficult emotions of the person we are speaking with. Common phrases such as “there’s no reason to despair,” “don’t cry,” or “everything will be fine, you’ll see,” suggest to the person confiding in us that they should not feel what they are feeling. We usually say these things in good faith, to make it easier for the other person to calm down. Unfortunately, these statements will not make the emotions disappear. Instead, they may push the other person into feeling guilty for experiencing feelings they see as inappropriate or difficult.
• Interrupting, finishing someone’s sentence – this means jumping in with a sentence or two at a moment when the other person intends to continue speaking. Interrupting breaks the speaker’s train of thought and creates confusion in the conversation. We do not interrupt the other person if we simply use brief cues showing that we are listening and trying to understand. Finishing someone’s statement also usually has a negative effect. As speakers, we often notice that someone trying to finish our sentence gets the meaning wrong. This prevents the speaker from listening to themselves and expressing what they feel.
• Preparing our response – when we are thinking about what we are going to say in reply, it is very difficult to focus on listening at the same time. Our thoughts then drift in a completely different direction, for example toward our own experiences or advice for the speaker.
• Referring too much to our own experience – referring to our own experience can be very valuable for the other person, but only if they are interested in it. You need to sense the right moment and, in a way, get the other person’s permission to share a similar experience. It can be very frustrating when someone immediately moves on to talking about their own problems without staying focused on the other person’s issue and showing support. Referring to other people’s situations, especially ones the other person does not know, or describing their risks, can be not only irritating but also a clear sign that we are not listening. If we do this, the other person will not want to share their concerns with us.
• Giving advice – giving advice is often the first thing that comes up when someone shares a problem with us, because we think we know what they should do. However, we are not able to put ourselves fully in another person’s situation and know what they know. We do not know all aspects of the situation, we do not know how complicated the emotions are that arise in the other person, and we do not know which values they want to live by. Are we really sure we want to take responsibility for someone else’s choices? What if the advice turns out to be wrong? If someone explicitly asks for advice, then of course we can give it, but let us make it clear that this is only our opinion and that we cannot decide for that person. And if they do not ask for advice, let us refrain from giving it. We will be more helpful if we try to understand the other person’s point of view and consider the pros and cons of different options together.