FEAR OF INTIMACY

Fear of intimacy essentially comes down to two main concerns:

• losing yourself in a relationship,
• fear of losing a partner.

In addition, some specific phobias, such as fear of touch, may appear as part of the fear of intimacy.

Fear of intimacy can develop as part of a broader disorder, namely social phobia. In addition, some specific phobias, such as fear of touch, may appear as part of the fear of intimacy.

Causes

The reasons that create the risk associated with fear of intimacy often need to be sought in childhood experiences. Experiences that can cause fear include:

• verbal abuse,
• physical abuse,
• sexual exploitation,
• emotional neglect (caregivers are present in the child’s life, but are not emotionally available; the child cannot rely on them),
• loss of a parent (through death or divorce),
• illness of a parent (this can result in the feeling that you cannot rely on anyone but yourself, especially when it involves role reversal or the need to “play the role of parent” and care for younger siblings),
• mental illness of caregivers (for example, a parent with a narcissistic personality),
• substance abuse by caregivers.

People who were taught in childhood to distrust strangers, survivors of depression, and survivors of rape are particularly vulnerable to fear of intimacy in adulthood.

It should be remembered that not only relationships with parents can cause fear of intimacy. Other important people in a child’s life who become harmful to the child can cause such problems (e.g. teachers, distant relatives, and even peers). In addition to the particularly important period of childhood, experiences from adolescence and even adulthood also matter.

Symptoms

Fear of intimacy can manifest in many different ways and can affect different types of relationships – including romantic, friendships, family relationships, and your relationship with yourself. It is important to note that manifestations of fear of intimacy can often be interpreted as the opposite of what a person wants to achieve in a relationship. Someone may strongly desire close relationships, but their fear tends to drive behaviors that create problems in sustaining them. Relationship-sabotaging behaviors usually become most noticeable when the relationship is especially valued by the person in question.

Below is a list of some of the behaviors characteristic of people with fear of intimacy.

• Entering into frequent and short-lived relationships with others. However, as the relationship becomes increasingly close, it starts to fall apart. Instead of building intimacy, the relationship is ended in one way or another and replaced by another, more superficial relationship.
• Excessive perfectionism. At the root of fear of intimacy is often the feeling that a person does not deserve to be loved and supported. This leads to an unhealthy need to be “perfect” in order to deserve support. This can take many forms, such as workaholism.
• Difficulty expressing needs. This may also stem from a feeling of being undeserving of support from others. A partner is not able to “read minds,” so unspoken needs remain unmet, which confirms the feelings of a person who believes they are unworthy. This creates a vicious cycle.
• Relationship sabotage. People who are afraid of intimacy may sabotage relationships in many ways. Examples include being highly critical of a partner, being suspicious of them, accusing them of infidelity, etc.
• Difficulty with physical contact. This can manifest in two ways—on the one hand, a person may avoid physical contact altogether; on the other hand, they may seem to have a constant, uninterrupted need for physical contact.

Treatment

Whether or not you seek help from a specialist, you will need to do some work to overcome fear of intimacy. Only you can do that. To a large extent, this comes down to confronting negative attitudes toward yourself. It may take time, desire, and effort, but remember that this is the path to a better, happier, and calmer life. In some cases, it will not be possible without a professional (psychotherapist), especially if the fear of intimacy is rooted in complex past events. Many people who are afraid of intimacy also experience depression, substance abuse, and other anxiety disorders. A therapist can help with these problems, leading to a better quality of life.